From Our Water Company

The following notice appeared in the envelope with our water bill this month:

Dear Valued Customer:

We are pleased to announce that your water and sewer company was recently acquired by the Chase-Citi-First-Telecom-ISP-Cable Consolidated Utility Company. This is in keeping with our philosophy of corporate growth. We welcome you to our family. You probably recognize our name. We are a global company providing Internet, telephone, cellular, cable TV, and banking & credit card services to billions of people around the world.

Beginning February 1, we will be delivering your water and sewer services with the exact same level of customer service you have come to expect from your cable TV, cellular phone, internet, banking, and credit card providers! You will shortly receive detailed information on changes we are making to your water and sewer service. Please read all 795 pages of tiny 3-point fine print as soon as you receive it.

Here are some of the major changes you can expect.

UPGRADED WATER: Effective February 1, we will be upgrading the water provided to our customers. We are investing millions of dollars to replace our network of pumps, pipes and valves with state-of-the-art equipment so we can provide you the latest in water technology. During this upgrade, some of our customers may experience service interruptions of up to several days. Thank you for your understanding and patience
as we work to serve you better.

A few of our customers (those in houses built more than six months ago) will find that this new water is incompatible with their conventional appliances. Items such as washing machines, dishwashers, sinks, and toilets may experience leaking, rusting, exploding, and other minor problems. To avoid this, we suggest you promptly upgrade your appliances.

Why are we making this change? To better serve you and to offer you the service you have come to expect from your modern service partners! This new water allows us to tailor and customize our service and billing offerings as described in the next section.

IMPROVED SUBSCRIPTION OFFERINGS: In order to provide you with better service, effective February 1, we will be discontinuing the present flat-rate billing arrangement for your water and sewer service. Customers must now choose from a number
of different options designed to better meet the individual needs of each customer. This new level of service is possible because of enhancements in technology: We will be delivering water that can be used only for specific purposes. This way, we can offer different billing plans to suit the many different lifestyles of our customers, just as we do for our Internet, banking, cellular and telephone customers. You will be required to select one of over two thousand, eight hundred and sixty four different subscription plans.

Choose the plan that best meets your needs. Some of our more popular plans are listed below:

Basic Service Plan: This plan provides 6 gallons of drinking water per month, with 6 gallons for flushing toilets. Water used over this amount will be charged at the rate of $20 per gallon. Water will not be available for any other purpose under this plan. This plan is popular with our elderly customers and others on fixed incomes and costs only $240* per month.

Enhanced Service Plan: For our customers who drink bottled water, this plan provides 6 gallons for flushing toilets, and 139 gallons for rinsing out your empty water bottles for recycling. Water over this amount will be charged at the rate of $20 per gallon. This plan is popular with environmentalists and Californians, and costs only $315* per month.

Super Enhanced Service Plan: This plan provides only 3 gallons of drinking water per month, but allows up to 20 gallons for bathing. This should be sufficient for two 10-minute showers per month. (See the important note below about hot water.) This plan is available in most areas for only $350* per month. It is popular with those who have access to toilets at their place of employment.

OPTIONAL ADD-ONS: Available with most (but not all!) of the 2,864 service plans, are 21,565 options that may be purchased individually or in combination. (Note: options
must be added on for a minimum of 120 months.)

One of the more popular options is the Laundry Option which offers 20 gallons per month for washing clothes for $50* per month.

The Healthy Water Option offers special magnetized water designed to make your body work efficiently, give you enery, reduce disease, make your nails stronger, and hold your fillings in more efficiently. These health benefits have not been investigated by the FDA, but there is a doctor in Omaha who has studied this extensively. Price and availability to be determined.

The Wetter Water Option gives you water that will make your washing machine use less energy because it takes less energy to spin the water around. It is also recommended for parents with children who like to use their Slip 'n' Slides in the summer. This option is not recommended for people who like to take showers. Price and availability to be determined.

Some of our other exciting options are water in a variety of colors, including fuschia, mauve, and rainbow. We also offer water in a variety of smells such as tarragon, algae, and popcorn. Our more discriminating customers will opt for the in-home water selectors that will allow them to change their water types from day to day depending on their moods and needs. Price and availability to be determined.

Note: water delivered after February 1 can be used only with approved washing machines; washing machines manufactured before 2006 are incompatible with the new water and will require replacement or upgrade. Specialized waters may require additional upgrades.

Note: we reserve the right to stop offering any option at any time. If we stop offering an option you are receiving, you will be charged a $20 termination fee.

* Important NOTE: Prices shown above do not include taxes, fees, surcharges, cost-recoupments, special assessments, government upcharges, profit-ensurance fees,
fuel surcharges, billing fees, pipe fees, flow fees, meter rental, and the thousand other things you will find on your bill. Your final bill might be considerably higher than the quoted price for any given plan, — just like your present bill for Internet service, telephone, cellular, and credit card charges.

A NOTE ABOUT HOT WATER: Under legislation recently passed to promote consumer safety, individual consumers are now prohibited by federal law from heating their own
water if their local water company offers pre-heated water.

Since our company offers pre-heated water, you are covered under this new law, even though the only customers we can presently deliver preheated water to are those living in Wassuppbro, Montana.

If you presently have a hot water heater, it will no longer work after February 1. Rest assured we are working diligently to expand our service and hope to make hot water available in your local area very soon.

Once we begin offering hot water in your area, we will notify you. Unlike the water you had to heat yourself, the new service requires different pipes and equipment in your home. The new law allows us to charge a one-time installation fee of $6,400 to recoup our expenses.

We plan to be able to offer hot water to all customers in your area by the Spring of 2023, but this date is subject to change.

SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFERS: Periodically we offer new services. Customers who sign up during the initial promotional period will be able to lock-in the introductory rate for their first five years. Of course, the introductory rate is several times
higher than the regular rate will be if you wait — but we’ll pressure you to sign up quickly to ensure you are eligible for the significant penalty for early cancellation!

IMPROVED BILLING : We are eliminating monthly paper statements and invoices, saving you money. Beginning February 1, we will introduce On-Line Payment. You can check your account and make payments on-line at our convenient website.

We have a team of specialists working to ensure that this site offers you the ultimate in on-line service, the same exact level of service you have come to expect from the Chase-Citi-First Consolidated banking, ISP, credit-card, cable TV, Internet, and cellular phone web-based customer services! Simply go to your web browser, enter your password, and wait for 10 minutes for the Real-Player Quicktime video commercials to complete, then sit back and enjoy reading the Error 404 message.
After your computer has locked up, simply re-boot and repeat. (For security reasons, we will inactivate your password every time you log on properly. This is for your protection.)

IMPROVED PHONE-BASED CUSTOMER SERVICE: Surveys indicate that our customers hate having to call customer service reps to fix billing errors. We responded to this feedback. You will be pleased to know that we have eliminated all customer
service reps and replaced them with a touch-tone-based system. This is the same system you have come to expect in your other utility services. If you experience a problem with your bill, simply call the toll-free number printed on the bottom of
the paper statement (which you will no longer receive, remember?) and listen to the options (or music or busy signals, which many of our customers find relaxing) until you decide the problem isn’t worth it and hang up.

We are proud to report that in 2006, we had a 100% resolution rate: our customers were never able to find a menu option dealing with their particular problem. This complete absence of reported errors was a major factor in our obtaining the coveted ISO 9000 quality certification in 2006!

NEW ACCOUNTING FEES: As with your banks and credit card companies, we are modifying the interest fees and late charges, including those we charge you even if you are ontime with your payment. These fees will change weekly and will include late payment fees, on-time fees, interest, check acceptance fees, service continuation fees, disconnect charges, reconnect charges, and other similar accounting items. (These are separate from the taxes, fees, and charges which are part of your normal monthly bill.) These accounting-related charges are allowed by law and are consistent
with the charges you now find on your telephone bill, electric bill, internet service bill, credit card statements, and other services we provide. In this way, we can double or triple your bill and still tell the state regulators that we have
lowered our rates — all without sacrificing any of the revenue required by our service upgrades (and the debt burden caused by our leveraged buyout of your water company!)

CONTINUOUS IMPROVEMENT: We are dedicating an entire department to continuous improvement of our customer service. You can expect changes each and every month
intended to improve the way you do business with us. For example, we will be continually changing our website options, layout, and design in an effort to improve service. Every month, the menus will be completely and totally different. This continual improvement philosophy will also extend to our phone numbers, which we’ll change at least weekly, sometimes more often. We’ll also be changing the actual
physical location where our employees work: every time you come to visit us, we’ll be at a new location.

EMPLOYEE TRAINING PROGRAM: To keep your costs low, we have outsourced many of our functions. For example, repair of all underground pipes in your area is now performed
by craftsmen in the mountain village of Jhrurabi Burkhanistan via the Internet. We have ongoing employee training programs, beginning with how to speak English. We
expect that by 2013, all our maintenance employees will know how to turn off a water valve.

NAME CHANGE: Unfortunately, our new computer systems in Burkhanistan will require all customers to legally change their names to use only the letters B, K, I, P, and Y. All customers must change their legal names by March 1. We are not responsible for the costs you incur to change your name or to notify your families, friends, and business partners of your new name.

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR PATIENCE. We know that growth and improvement often mean minor inconvenience. But we thank you for your understanding as we continue
to work hard to bring your water and sewer service up to the exact same level of convenience, cost savings, and satisfaction that you have come to expect from providers of your 21st-century utility, banking, and financial services!